Did you feel like you were nobody, nothing, not good enough, not even worthy to be a part of the kids over there sitting around and sharing their toys and cookies and giggling and dancing. Even though you were occasionally doted on and told you were special, you already hated yourself at the core and you were determined to get even with all those who were “making you feel” that way. Like those adorable sparkling-eyed Hispanic children who smile shyly at you, and somehow don’t seem to mind that you are presumed to be superior just because you are white, and your ancestors grabbed a bit of real estate before theirs did (or after, as in California). Those powerful, virile black folk whose ancestors actually were here before yours, if not by choice. Who do they think they are? To make you feel this way, that you don’t even know you feel?
And those kind and simple people! You know you can never find it in you to be selfless like them, because you already feel like you have no self, you are nobody, so you have to pump up the volume. Because your heart was somehow so hurt and hidden, so long ago, that you feel like even though they told you that you were the one, and even though you managed to play them, and you were astonished that they believed whatever you made up, and then you got good at it, good at being mean-spirited, and teasing out the trapped resentments in others so that you could be their champion… you still felt like an immigrant impostor.
Did you feel like a stupid person because you weren’t interested in schooling, and nor were your parents, really? And those clever kids, even the non-white ones, were taking over everything with their cleverness. WhoTF does he think he is, becoming president, just because he’s so clever and cool and calm? Look at him! He’s not even an American. Americans look like me. Americans are hurt and angry and indignant like me. We haven’t been recognized. Nobody has seen our greatness. Just because we haven’t created anything original, someone has to distract people from all those original creations that those hated ones create, or we won’t be noticed. Why should those bleeding hearts who are creating health-care options get any credit? They are spending our money. Those are our toys they are taking away. Who cares if some (of those other) people get sick and don’t get care? We have to take care of ourselves first.
Aw, honey, I’m sorry you and your buddies hate yourselves so much that you have to project your shadow on every other race and gender and religious group. But what you really hate is simple kindness and those who won’t even compete with you, flouncing around in the corner there with your group of skinhead bullies. They don’t even notice you, and how angry you have been getting, as you grab passing pussy and amass your guns to defend yourselves against all those others-out-there.
Aw, honey, I’m sorry that you feel this way, but you are not going to mess up the whole playground, you are not going to shoot all the kids in the classroom. Time out. Let’s be quiet, by ourselves for a while, and notice what is really going on when no one is looking. Can you feel yourself? Can you come back inside yourself and feel your heart pulsing, your lungs breathing?
Sooner or later––sooner, actually––your tantrum-tantric moment will be over and you will run out of steam, because your steam is not your own. Something is keeping you alive in this body, but you will not always be in this body, and more importantly, you will not always be able to hold this inflated identity together. The part you are playing is not real. You have forgotten who you really are and where you came from, and sooner or later you will realize this.
And aw honey, to all the other kids in the playground who got scared when it seemed like the bully and his gang were taking over, and had armed themselves with powers. Remember that There. Is. Only. One. Power.... and if you can maintain your direct connection with that power while all the false powers are strutting around, nothing can harm you, and your safety is an expression of the one true power, which is love, and the love and safety you emanate will radiate to those around you, and little by little the temporary diarrhea will pass and it will be a new day, after the cleanse, love trumping everything, everything, everything…
Hallelujah, as Leonard said, through the cracks comes the light.