Things are good, business is booming, people are terrific. Or, depending when you catch me: "It's an outrage! Why won't things go my way? God! Venus/Schmenus, Eclipse/eSchlipse, WhateverTF is going on up there, I want the stars to line up andput out! What is it with this process of "growth"? It feels more like death, God. WhoeverTF You Are."
Yesterday I had my first real astrology reading––at least "real" according to my new English astrologer. Kind of mindblowing and also kind of annoying––she confirmed that I'm in a Death-and-Dissolution phase, as though I needed anyone to tell me. But the interesting thing was that she didn't need my birth time. We Brits are very practical and don't bother with such details as hour and minute of birth––at least we didn't back then whatever-years ago when I was delivered by a Jamaican midwife, at home in London.
So Alison the British Astrologer goes on to give me a much simpler explanation of my alleged self than I've ever heard. And I have to say that it makes a lot of sense! Who was it that those American and Vedic astrologers were reading anyway? None of their predictions came true, that's for sure (although I have had many predictions come true, just not astrological ones!). For that matter, on a deeper level of Truth, who is it that Alison was reading? Funnily, the main prediction that Alison made, which she prefaced by saying "I can see you are very spiritually oriented and are going to hate this..." was that my ego, (yesyoureadthatright: EGO!) is going to come back into ascendance soon, and for the rest of my life. Something to do with Leo. Starting in about four months. Go figure.
I sort of hate it, and then again...
I can say for certain that I'm experiencing something like ego-death right now, and yet it's at a different octave or frequency from the kinds of ego assaults and real worldly and physical traumas-and-travails that brought me into the profound underground journey I've been on for the last 8 years. Things have calmed down on the outside. I've surrendered my circumstances and my life to Life so many times that I have actually watched It lifting the difficulties away and making the crooked places straight and the rough places smooth. I'm not currently dealing with the juicy situations like divorce, foreclosure, bankruptcy, death of sister, diagnoses, and much much more that have given such grist to my inner mill.
What I'm left with is a kind of emptiness. And even the emptiness is emptying out! Now I know, and you've heard me teach about this if you've done the Meltdown training, that emptiness and fullness are two faces of the same Reality. But, truthfully, I'm still on that empty side of the coin right now. On the one hand, that is extraordinary! What an opportunity! Like a spiritual retreat that I can take advantage of, because surely this space between the lives is not going to last. Every yin flips over into yang sooner or later (in four months?) and every death leads to a rebirth and rah rah rah, isn't dying into Life a wonderful effing opportunity?
And much of the time I'm feeling more spacious, more "not here" in my hereness than ever before. Some of you may remember the graduation statement from the Planetary Leadership Training: "There is nobody here. I am right here." It's a bit like that. My mind is dissolving into my heart. I am melting down, (in the positive sense in which I copyrighted that term in the 90s––"a practical method of dissolving fixated ego states"). Except when I'm freaking out, because something ought to be happening!
Thank God, literally, for Mooji. I've been leaning into his certainty. Go here to watch this amazing being (my other Jamaican midwife!) who combines a relentless, penetrating inquiry that won't let you get away with anything, with a depth of love that makes it feel safe to dissolve into the pure I AM and beyond.