my new INFINITE WAVE website and
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This is a fairly long post, and they won’t always be this long, but the subject of “Initiation” is not such an easy one to gloss over quickly or bypass (I wish it were a “quickie!”).
Hope you enjoy – it builds towards something, and the best bit is at the end
If your life feels confusing or challenging, you may be undergoing a soul initiation. I know I am, and it’s certainly quite challenging. I also know (and this is a blog, not a PR device, yet this is still very true) that I couldn’t possibly be moving through this initiation with any grace, love or cheerfulness without the Infinite Wave consciousness tools I use every day, including the new meltdown™, and i-Wave™, and more. So if you’re struggling, do check out my website and contact me for private work if you’re so inspired.
“Initiation” is the name I have often given to my motherwave and soulwave trainings (and I’ll continue this in The Infinite Wave trainings), because I’ve always wanted them to create an actual movement into something new and greater, the real, as-yet-untaken next step for each person, rather than just a workshop where you get high and then go home and wait for the next fix. As the “Initiator” of these experiences for hundreds of people over many years, I know what it feels like to watch people come in at the beginning, fixated (or “dry,” as I call it) in suspicion or fear or projection or some limiting self-concept or other. I’ve watched as many of them then get “wet” ––relax their fixated sense of self and of other, and open up to greater possibility, to the presence of greater––well, Presence! It became really obvious from my side of things that the Initiation was real, that I wasn’t doing it, and that it was going to work IF there was that agreement between the person and their own guidance to allow it. I watched countless tearful, joyful breakthroughs… the sense of relief, of disbelief, of gratitude, and so on. It became my norm to be around this atmosphere, and trust in the process.
And then there is my own initiation. It’s not happening, for me, in a training with a group of people, although there is a very small group of us (close friends and private clients) who are going through a similar initiatory experience. I wish I were on the other side of it, and some of the time, I am, but some of the time I’m still kind of in the doorway, wondering if this process––life at the edge of total surrender––is really safe.
So, I’ve been thinking about the concept of initiation, because I’m in one, like it or not (although I suppose I signed up in some other dimension or outside time and space). Something greater than me is carrying me through a doorway that I don’t really know about. You could say that it’s Me who is carrying me through this doorway, surfing on this doorwave, but for all intents and purposes, it’s something beyond me that is calling the shots. And when I start feeling that it’s me who has to make this journey, quite frankly I can’t do it. To be honest, parts of me are fighting for their lives.
Really, I feel as though I’ve been in one initiation after another, or perhaps one very long one, for most of my life. Can you relate? But right now it’s pretty intense. Everything in my life––all the categories like love, wealth, health, purpose––are in free fall. They’re not bad, mind you, just in free fall. Into what? Into whose arms? Yes, it is into some One’s arms. The initiation lies in the fact that I am learning to get used to that, learning to feel it in my bones.
What is an initiation? How is it different from, say, a lesson? I would say that an initiation is a movement into something you don’t know, AND you don’t know that you don’t know it. Otherwise you could just read the textbook. Also, obviously, an initiation is not just mental. You need to feel it in your bones. Initiation means that somethinggreater inducts something smaller into itself. The snafu is that the one to be initiated doesn’t know what is happening. She doesn’t really know she needs an initiation, because she thinks she knows it all. To use common spiritual terms, the ego cannot imagine anything beyond itself. Even if the ego entertains an idea of “God” or “Higher Power,” or “Oneness,” or “Emptiness,” it still feels, most of the time, like the center of the universe, responsible for its own life, with all the misery that this causes.
A way the mind or ego tricks us (me) is by thinking that this––that I’m perceiving right now––is all there is. And that I know all there is. Of course, I may not actually know Bali, for example, but I have “Bali” categorized in some part of my brain. And although I’ve been all over the world, the parts that I haven’t been to yet are categorized, subtly, as “the parts I haven’t been to yet,” and thus I once again know it all. My mother hasn’t been to the movies much, for decades, because she has a story about people eating potato chips loudly in the seats around her (really!). But she reads the reviews, and can converse quite lucidly on all the latest movies and Oscar nominations.
In a way, don’t we all do the same thing? We take a picture of a moving, expanding, infinite reality, then we print it out, put it on our wall, and call it reality. Even our inspirations are something we realized last week or year, yet in my experience realizations change radically over time. There is a spiral of memes (which basically means “beliefs”) that meanders back and forth as my consciousness expands up and out. In other words, one year I am being experientially taught the value of, say,commitment; the next year perhaps I am being taught about freedom. Yet if I over-identified with the commitment idea, made a story out of it, made an identity out of it, then I won’t be available for what life is teaching me now. Of course, in this evolution of consciousness, everything “transcends and includes” what came before, rather than just sea-sawing back and forth. So it isn’t that I marry this year and escape the next, but perhaps that within last year’s commitment I now explore a deeper sense of freedom, and so on.
Yet to be really available to what life is trying to initiate me into now, today, takes a lot of trust, humility, breathing, releasing the need to know, be right, be safe (although in fact the Initiator is always leading me back to true safety). For me, it takes a spiritual practice I call Meltdown, that wakes me up again and again.
I’m not blaming myself for this “categorizing” mechanism in my brain or ego; it was apparently set up by evolution to help us survive. You’ve probably read this kind of stuff, but the short version is that because humans spend such a long period of time outside the protective womb, yet still in a dependent, helpless state, the human brain is organized to take in all the information that the child will need to survive as quickly as possible. No time to explore every new flower. At some point, flowers are flowers, and we have to move on to learning about saber-toothed tigers. No time to explore every tiger: if it has that gleam in its eye and big teeth, it is categorized as danger and we run, and so on.
This happens in our so-called mind and our so-called body. Early impressions form a matrix of mental, emotional, sensorial information instructing us how to react. “Dog bit me when I was 3––see a dog, run!” “Mom was crazy and needy, need her but gotta separate from her––women crazy and needy, need them, but gotta separate from them.” And on and on.
While thinking about the subject of initiation, I came across a whole piece about it byJoel Goldsmith, my favorite writer (an American realized mystic who died in 1964––I recommend you read anything by him!). Talking of secret brotherhoods and their initiations throughout the ages, he says the following (which for fun I have annotated with my rebellious child’s reactions, in italics):
“The initiates must undergo certain trials, tests, and examinations before they are admitted to the brotherhood; and while the actual initiation may differ in its exterior form, the tests and trials and examinations are all alike in this respect: the initiates must go through difficult and terrifying experiences.
“…Eventually, those who survive the simpler tests and temptations come to the ultimate one. The final test is that of being faced with death in some form, such as being brought to the brink of a cliff, and being told––and of course one must be obedient–-to jump off the cliff onto the rocks or the waters beneath. The cliff is so high and the rocks below are so jagged that there is no hope of survival. To jump means death. Which will it be: death or disobedience.
(“Definitely disobedience.. You can’t make me!”)
If it is disobedience, there is no hope of being admitted to the Brotherhood (“abusive chauvinist basterds!”). If it is death, that also ends all hope(“Duh!”). But there are some brothers in the order: (“Hmmm!”) and therefore some must have survived the test; some must have endured and come through the ordeal.
There is the test, a test which each one within himself must decide to take or not. Needless to say, anyone who is obedient and jumps off the cliff automatically becomes a member of the Brotherhood because long before he can reach the rocks, he has awakened and found that the whole experience was an illusion. (“Wha-a-a-t! If you had just told me that before!!”) He had been hypnotized into seeing and accepting all these pictures, but from the very first to the last, none of them was ever real.
(“Sounds like what my friend Lawrence experienced in his 3 NDE’s!”)
…Those who survived the final test were admitted to the Brotherhood, but something far greater had happened to them than becoming a part of a spiritual order. They had learned the great secret that all human experience is a state of illusion, and that the conditions they had been tempted to see and believe did not exist anywhere in the realm of the real.
Today we are the initiates, and right now we are taking the degrees of brotherhood. Right now, we are being tested and tried with experience of lack and limitation, sin, or disease (“Yup, except the sin part!”). We may not realize that we are undergoing an initiation, but we are… The human mind cannot pierce the veil of material sense any more than the initiates in the Brotherhood could see through the temptations presented to them while under hypnotism. It is only as they come out from the hypnotism that some, by divine grace, receive enough light to know that they had been hypnotized and are thus enabled to disregard the experiences they have gone through. Others, still under a measure of hypnotism, believe that what they are experiencing is real and run out to do something about it.
(“Ah yes, I know that one!”)
from Leave Your Nets, by Joel Goldsmith (read it or be square!)
And talking of running out to “do something about it;” what I have been guided to practice is basically: not to do that! This doesn’t mean “don’t do anything.” It just means, don’t do anything except what I’m guided to do. I’m quite busy and creative and serving people, but I’m not frantically trying to “fix” my life. I’m trusting in my Great Initiator, which I happily call God, to guide me, protect me, provide for me. Of course, a lot of the time this guidance, protection, provision, comes through people, places and things. Thank You, God, in all Your forms!
I feel as though I have walked––or been walked––out onto a plank at the edge of that cliff Joel talks about. I’m on the verge of jumping. I’m more or less convinced that I will be caught, that the fear matrix I am trying to lift off from is just an illusion, but every now and then I make the mistake of sharing where I am with the wrong person, and their fear causes me to freeze up. So I’m keeping very private about it all. You’ll notice that I’m not telling any personal details here. But I’m with you in my heart and I hope that all this means something to some of you and is helpful.