But/and I don't want to talk about Soulbody right here, right now, although it has changed my life. I want to say a bit about freedom.
In recent months I've felt my whole motivation for doing things change - in fact it has seemed at times to have disappeared, although I still show up for what I've committed to, and all that. But I've been asked (on the inside) to consider this question:
What would life REALLY be like if I were just living it for and with my real essence (which I generally call God, having been raised atheist, and not having the usual problems with that word). What if I REALLY didn't care what people thought of me, not out of some rebellious or cantankerous or hurt or vengeful inner emotionality, but because I am waking up to the more evolved truth: IT'S NOT PERSONAL!
This non-personal nature of everyone's projections on me (positive and negative) has become clearer and clearer to me on my journey of the past 3 years. In case you don't know, in this period, I have been recovering from the loss of pretty much everything that made up my "life." The experience was so total that I couldn't just put a life back together. The only thing that seemed to be bringing me back to life was a more radical spiritual path than I had ever taken, even when I was a monk in my 20s. At that time, all I wanted was to be free - free to serve my then-guru and travel the world doing what he wanted. I travelled for about 12 years, around Spain and South America and later North America, where I landed. There I married my first nice husband. We travelled all over Europe and North America, setting festivals up for our teacher. We had money after my then father-in-law's death and one year we crossed the Atlantic 36 times - or was it 13?
After I left the guru (and the husband - still a friend), I felt a deep need to settle down and nest. I nested for 17 years with my next two husbands, travelling very little, which was strange for me. But I wanted security and stability so badly after all that bird-like, saddhu-like existence. At least I thought I did. When my security and stability rugs were pulled in 2004, I at first experienced desperate grief and a feeling of having no structure, no center, which was very difficult. I deliberately DIDN'T do the things which traditionally would have built up a structure again. Like getting involved with another man and nesting with him, or promoting my seminar business so I would be busy and prominent again.
My whole paradigm of reality has shifted so profoundly. I've been taken almost forcibly through gates that I would never have had the courage or focus to pass through in this life without such devastating losses and betrayals as I experienced.
A very big fixation for me was what people thought of me. As though it somehow meant something about me. Now I'm coming to just feel that I AM ME, right on track on my guided path, and the path is so hot, so inspiring, so exiciting, that I hardly care what people think any more. At this stage Sarah and Ivy and I have no extra energy to promote the work beyond the very simple e-mails we send to our limited list. People come through miracles, through word of inspired mouths, and by methods that have to be divinely guided.
But although I feel so much new inspiration and am excited to bring it through, I'm not sure how much will even come through the normal seminars of Soulwave Institute. My sense is that new resources are on their way that will pick the whole thing up and land it in a slightly different context or even location. I'm not attached to teaching in Marin (although I love where I live). I trust that I will be called forth when the time is right. The work is SO potent and effective. I have no doubt of its efficacy and value. But I feel helpless to figure out how to expand the message and work to more people without pushing and efforting. Do I even want to be a big business owner ? Should I just finish writing my big book? The proposal is almost written. But I seem to be in no hurry.
Because the main motivation I'm feeling is to be free, almost as though I could gather up my stuff and hit the road, if an inspiring enough opportunity were to call me. And I can feel such opportunities kinda circling my auric airport.The bank has taken back my former house, which is a step towards freedom, after 3 years of complicated hassle.
This is all to say that I am in a mode of packing up my life, going through closets, to make myself as portable as possible while still having this flat as a home base and Soulwave Institute office.
In the last 3 years I have developed the best relationships of my life. Many, if not most, of my former friends turned out to be NOT in with me for the duration of my long and arduous haul into the underworld, hanging on the meathook, losing more than just the outer layers, emerging somewhat resurrected after a long hook-hang. Some old, but mostly extraordinary new souls have turned up to love me. As I love to say, my love life is better than ever in my life, and I don't have a partner. But about 20 intimate beloveds who come to commune with me in my mosh pit.
But these relationships feel very free to me, much as I love them and will keep them in some form. I have this strange sense as though I'm about to be called onto a Freedom Boat that is leaving the dock and I will have to jump. This is strange to write about, because it's invisible, and it's just a metaphor, but what I am trying to describe feels very real to me. Moving through loneliness to oneness, or perhaps onliness.
It's as though I can smell the air of another dimension of awareness. The biggest, meanest guards at the gate of this dimension are my beliefs such as the one that it matters what other people think. And it doesn't. Everyone will think what they want. In the past I have striven to be helpful, brilliant, profound, door-opening, loving, kind, loyal, generous, friendly, whatever, hoping that this would be enough to be liked... but no! It's often enough to be disliked (or envied). I'm still working kindly, but more detachedly. Don't NEED anyone to get it or like me. Of course people are mostly getting the work better than ever because I'm less attached, but being detached is not a trick. My main motivation really is to get free of all these identity traps about trying to control what people think of me, and to go to the place they've been keeping me from.
As far as I can tell, that place is where oneness reigns, where even the leaves understand you and are your friends. You're home. Home free. I never used the word "freedom" much during my whole motherwave career, but it's a main theme of soulwave.